Looking Outward To Feel Inward

I recall a pivotal moment from a few years ago that happened in the midst of a break up with a boyfriend. Just as the door shut and he left my apartment for the last time, before I even let myself shatter into a million pieces, I picked up the phone to call my friend. Now this wasn’t just any friend, this was one of my soul sisters who I shared everything with and leaned on for anything and everything. At the time, the breakup was a huge shock. I was absolutely devastated, or was I angry, maybe I was frustrated or did I want to cry? Most of all I was confused and did not know how to feel or what to think.

I called her to offer me something to react to. I was searching for what was acceptable for the moment and some words or feelings to grab on to. I didn’t know how to own my own feelings and honor them for myself. I was outsourcing my most prized personal sacred possession, my own heart. 

I wondered something deeply: were we never truly taught how to name and feel our feelings? Personally as an empath, I knew best how to navigate other people’s emotions and I could do that for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I had no idea how to navigate my own. If you’ve ever experienced this too or made people responsible for what you were feeling, like I used to, I’d love to shed some light on it.

Claiming our feelings, honoring them and taking responsibility through and through, is one of the biggest steps in navigating the truth of our hearts. When we let our feelings flow freely, it gives us a wonderful blueprint to help guide us in this world. Feelings are of our bodies and live in a different space than our thoughts. They help us know what we want, who to befriend, what projects to say yes to and which ones to say a great big no to as well. The truth is, that we are the only ones who can feel them—no one in this world can do that for us.

Here are some steps to take if you’ve outsourced your feelings to your best friend, parents, significant other, or even your cute pup:

• Own your part.
  Have you ever said, “You’re making me feel…” and after that dot dot dot feel free to fill in the blank! If you’ve noticed yourself saying that before, offer yourself compassion as you were doing the best you could with the language you knew at the time. Next, let’s celebrate you for expressing your feelings in the first place and not brushing them under the rug! Next time you hear yourself about to say those little words, “You’re making me feel,” take ownership for your part. Saying “I feel…” is a great place to start!

• Whooooooa there. It’s ok to slow down.
  When we don’t feel like we have the right words or don’t have a safe place to express ourselves take a pause. When we are triggered, meaning when we start to feel those big feelings, our brains turn into overdrive machines and we might start reacting quickly. Take a moment, notice it and breathe. When I’m in this state, I give myself no less than 10 breaths and I actually have to count out loud! Afterwards, you might still feel those feelings or maybe you won’t, but hopefully you won’t feel as reactive.

• Tap into yourself.
  When feeling that knee-jerk reaction of calling someone or maybe it’s a knee-jerk reaction of going to the fridge, whatever it may be, put your hands on your body and ask what it needs. That small move is a gigantic act of radical self love! Even if you don’t know what your body needs, or you don’t hear anything back right away, it’s ok! Building this kind of relationship with yourself takes time. I encourage you to keep asking anyways and be persistent enough to listen when it does respond, because it will!

So what are you feeling right now?
Just one word, say it out loud! It is miraculous what can alchemize when we shift from looking outward to feel inward. Wishing you a beautiful practice today.

Quote of the week:
“You gotta go inward to experience the outer space that was built for you.”
— Pharrell Williams

With ♡ and gratitude,
Jennifer